I don't know...

It was a cold morning... I woke up at five am. The alarm buzzer hurt. I reached out to hit the snooze button. I would like to win lots of money in a lottery for the sole purpose of not having to wake up early to go to work. Today, though, is different. I had to wake up early to go to the hospital. "Expect to be there by 6:30 am." the voice mail said.

I was still half asleep when the phone rang. I gingerly went to my cell phone. 5:32 am. It was still very dark outside. The lady at the other end of the line confirmed our appointment at 6:30 am.

Today Michael has to go with me at the hospital for the final stage of the IUI. I asked him if he would like to go alone and take separate cars... he hesitated. I asked him again before we left and finally he decided that we were going together.

On our way there, we did not talk much. I could not read Michael. I did not know if he was just tired or uncomfortable. I would understand if he is but he tends to clam up which leads me no choice but to speculate. I could not concentrate really. I was half afraid, half confident that this will be a one shot deal. However, after our visit with the doctor the more I don't know.

"Be careful what you wish for, you just might get it." This was on my mind a lot.

There is a magic number that my doctor wants us to achieve. Five or higher will give Michael and I a good chance of being pregnant. We were 4 then 20 before. Today our numbers sucked... it was 1.5.

I was in shock. What did that mean. I have not prepared enough to be ready for what the doctor said. "If its consistently below 5 then we have to consider IVF."

She did not even alter her tone to soften the blow. I know the type. You do this often enough you get desensitized. I am guilty of the same: "No, you will not get the normal use of your leg anymore. The damage to your brain is permanent." and if I remember to say it i would end it with "I'm sorry." It was a mere distraction.

I was motioned to lay down. I did. She proceeded to tell me what was going to happen. I was still in shock that I was perfunctory with my response. The letters kept repeating in my mind: IVF. Those letters complicated a lot of my plans.

I already know the course I have to take. I just did not know it's going be a meandering road. I would love to take short cuts if it would yield the same result and IVF is really not what I was hoping for.

But if that's what it takes to meet my son or daughter then IVF it is.. but for now i still don't know.