hopeful in Clifton

August 16 was day one. Dr. Chen told me to report back to the clinic on day 3. I did.

I knew what was in store for me. This will be my second time going through assisted reproduction, also known as fertility treatments. About three to four times a week I would go to the lab to give blood for monitoring. The clinic would call me the same day and tell me how much medicine I should inject myself. The first night I had to do it, it took me an hour to summon up enough courage to stab myself with the minute needle. An ant bite stung more than that needle. But the fact remained that it was still a needle.

They monitored me through ultrasound and soon Michael and I were informed to come back on Wednesday for my last bloodwork. I thought that that was it; that it would be the day when we will know that we will be parents.

Wednesday the nurse called me and informed me that my bloodwork results were less than optimal. I have to be on another medication if the treatment was going be be successful. I felt the walls of my office cubicle closing in on me. I hurriedly got out and realized I had no where else to go. I saw Carole and in desperation I waved at her and just cried. I was so forlorn. If there was a poster child for somebody who wears their heart out on their sleeve, I would be in it.

I had to give the nurse the number of my pharmacy. I went there and I still could not stop crying. I am sure I made everybody around me very uncomfortable. I got home and I just crashed and cried myself to sleep. I was awakened by a sound. I thought it was the front door. I got up. My legs tired, my heart heavy.

Michael gave me a look when he saw me at the couch. I fought not to cry. I felt his empathy. We went out and had ice cream. He was holding my hand in the car.

The first night I took the medication, every warning in the bottle happened to me: This medication may cause drowsiness. Check that. This medication may cause a headache. Check that. This medication may cause dizziness. Check that. This medication may cause nausea and or vomiting. Check and check. I was miserable.

I had to do an attitude adjustment. I was behaving like I had already lost the battle, when it was not yet over.

Now instead of forlorn I am hopeful. I shall title this chapter "Hopeful in Clifton"